I have such a complicated relationship with my family. Maybe this is how it is for everyone (yes? no?), but honestly speaking, every time I’m about to visit my peeps, I feel a tremendous sense of dread. And then I feel guilty about my lack of enthusiasm, because I know they really are good people with good intentions. It’s just that there’s so much pressure, and I can’t say whether it’s a cultural thing or just something specific to my family but it’s this idea that one person’s happiness or sense of fulfillment relies solely on other people.

So on Monday, John and I arrived at my grandfather’s house. My parents weren’t due to arrive in Taiwan until evening. I sat down and probably had the longest “conversation” of my life with my grandfather. I put conversation in quotes, because in actuality, he only speaks Taiwanese, and I only speak Mandarin and English. We really can’t communicate in any true sense… well, I suppose I can understand certain words in Taiwanese, but really, I’m only grasping the highlights. Regardless, he immediately jumped into what’s been troubling him. He’s 89 years old. My father is his first child and oldest son. Johnny is my father’s first child and oldest son. Grandfather said my brother still hasn’t married. The family introduces lots of “qualified” women, but he rejects all of them. My grandfather said I need to talk to Johnny to urge him to settle down. My grandfather fears that he will die before seeing a great-grandson from my brother. His only hope now is me and John. So right off the bat, I’m stressed. Welcome home to Taiwan, right?

The thing is, I despise this old school mentality… this notion of continuing the line, of having children for other people. Everything about it rubs me the wrong way. And yet, there he sits before me, all old and fragile– my grandfather who has endured such hardship and made so many sacrifices. I respect his candidness. I understand that he is asking me for something that I have the capacity to give. But I will not. He’s not a bad person for wanting these things. But I’m so adamant about my choices and my life. I wish I could give him what he wants, but I have made my choice and no matter how much he asks, I will not yield. So there we sit. All I can do is listen and hold firm. We are at an impasse, and that’s just where we will have to stay.

I’m an obstinate, opinionated person but god, this was an uncomfortable setting. And the discomfort has only grown worse as my other family members continue to ask whether I will bear children and whether I have reconnected with Johnny. It’s so fucking irksome that they even ask about either. Regarding Johnny, they know that we have been estranged since 2003; yet, they refuse to accept the status quo. Sure, maybe I am being immature but I learned long ago that in order preserve my own sanity, I simply could not continue communicating with him. And so, another life decision that goes misunderstood and judged. Sure, it wouldn’t kill me to try to make amends, but why. I have determined that the relationship adds nothing to my life. I can live without. If he feels otherwise, the ball is in his court. I don’t feel motivated to try again.

And my family here is huge: my grandfather, an uncle, 3 aunts, 9 cousins, 6 nieces/nephews. Save for the little ones, every person I see asks these same two questions: when are you having kids, and did you see your brother? I’m trying to let these jabs roll off my back without feeling a need to defend my position or decision. I’m getting better, but the situation is extremely annoying.

Add to that, not just simple questioning but prodding and poking by my aunts. Oh your brother is so excited to see you. Oh, he was preparing to take you around Taipei but you never called. Oh, your parents just want one thing in this world to make them happy, and you refuse to give them a grandchild. I know, I should just let these things enter one ear and exit the other, but I take responsibility and accountability very seriously. And even if I don’t coddle/pamper my parents the way a “good Chinese daughter” is supposed to, I do feel it’s important to be good to them.

My aunts always ask why I am so detached from my parents. How come when I see them, I don’t baby them: I don’t offer them something to drink, a massage, or a tasty bite? It’s like my every move is watched and judged. They say things like, you should treat your parents with the same sweetness you treat your husband. I mean, that’s the thing: my relationships with John and my friends are totally different from those with my parents and brother. Not only that, I don’t believe in coddling– whether it’s my parents coddling Johnny, my cousin coddling her kid, or whatever. I mean, I hardly even coddle Remy and Martin and they’re the easiest relationship EVER!

Then my aunt was getting all huffy with me yesterday, because turns out her daughter has been dating this guy she met in college for 5 years. Her mom just discovered last year, and she is like on a warpath to break up the relationship. Why? Because 1) he’s short (and the genetic implications of this for progeny disturbs her) and 2) his family has no money. Meanwhile, he treats my cousin very well, and obviously, five years later, something is there. Not good enough. So just to clarify: she’d rather sacrifice the happiness of her own daughter for the future good life of her unborn grandchild. See what I have to deal with? This is the kind of old school, provincial mentality that just drives me nuts. And even if it’s so incredibly off the wall, exposure to it, even for a few days, wears on me. My aunt got super upset when I tried to argue that it’s her daughter’s choice and rejecting someone because he’s short (my height: 5’5″ or 160 cm) is ludicrous. She’s even going to have my dad talk to my cousin to put some “sense” into her. Unbelievable. And that’s the way they roll over here. My only hope is that the situation boils down to the talk with uncle vs. 5 established years of dating. It shouldn’t even come close. Don’t disappoint me, cousin.