Ok, I’m piping it down: no more over-analyzing with the Myers-Briggs. Promise. Kind of. Maybe? 😉
Well, I might still have to over-analyze other stuff though… I couldn’t sleep again last night (well, all week). I dunno. It’s not even so much about the workplace anymore… it’s deeper than that. More existential, I guess. And then whenever I do finally sleep, I have super stressful, conflict-ridden dreams. So I guess I have issues. Maybe the sleep deprivation will at least lead to some weight loss, and then I can stop obsessing over my flabby upper arms. I dunno when they happened, but they are my new reality. Shiiit!!! That’s another story entirely.
So I did my homework for class, and apparently qualities that are important to me (through tasks that I love/hate to do) are: accomplishment, connection, communication, control, competence, energy, enthusiasm, understanding… the results of the spreadsheet aren’t that far-fetched, but it is pretty interesting see everything quantified with numbers that assign a weight to these things… So I’m trying to be honest with myself while refraining from judging/criticizing myself or thinking I should be better at XYZ… Does that make any sense? I know, who has the time for such self-absorbed, mental deliberations??? It’s exhausting and really rather unrelenting… My second class is tonight, and mostly, I just hope I don’t get all fucking emotional in front of these strangers. I also hope I arrive at some clarity soon, because this unknown gray matter is killing me. Blergh!
John and I saw Miss Saigon in Palo Alto on Saturday. Fuck man. I was an absolute mess. Surprise, surprise. Stories about women, poverty, war, misfortune, sacrifice… they get me every. damn. time. Twenty minutes in, and the tears were streaming down my face. I made it mid-play and then this one song REALLY triggered the waterworks. I started breathing all unevenly… totally on the verge of a sob-fest meltdown. Yup, that’s how I am with Les Mis too!! I dunno. It’s my Achilles heel. And yet, I CANNOT stay away. The music, the words, the story… it’s just so irresistibly powerful! And the thing is, this isn’t just some random, fictional story, you know? This is life!!! Complex and raw and unforgiving and disheartening…
And I really shouldn’t go here, but seriously, what the fuck is going on in this world? The Amanda Berry story, the 12-y/o boy who stabs his 8-y/o sister, teachers molesting students, coaches abusing their athletes, violence and abuse all over the damn place. What. the. hell??????? It is just too much. Can so many people really be this f-ing insane???
Ugh, I’m getting all worked up… Sorry. Yeah, so ANYway, the play moved me, and then on Sunday, I looked like Benicio del Toro with his ridic puffy, bee-stung eyes. My face was totally swollen. What can I say, I’m uber sensitive for a Thinking type.
Thankfully, Sunday was a lot less intense. I rode the new white horse (Sugar) again. Don’t be fooled by her sweet name and big brown eyes. Beotch does NOT like to listen. But I did better on her this week than last. I will ultimately prevail. 🙂
|From Spring Riding at Chaparral|