Um, in case you are curious, here are my current resources. Yep, I’m trying the multi-pronged approach. We’ll see where it leads!
Refuse to Choose by Barbara Sher
So my attempt to wean off Myers-Briggs lasted for like a day: the obsession continues full blast. This shit is just so damn fascinating and insightful… plus, some of the stuff is just so spot on. It’s like witnessing magic or something. I just need to keep it all in perspective. That’s all. Something I’m so great at doing! 😉
I did sleep much better the last two nights. It helped a ton that I was off on Monday. But I’ll need to resume listening to my autogenics/mental skills tracks before bed. They help my mind focus on a single thing and quiet down a bit.
The Uncover Your Calling class was super intense last week. She talked about some really interesting research where writing about the facts plus your emotions surrounding a traumatic event helps you thoroughly grieve a situation and move on, eventually enabling you to become more well-adjusted and healthy (vs. writing about random stuff or writing about just the emotions, sans facts, around a traumatic event). So that’s our assignment: to write at least three times in the week about the facts and emotions around something traumatic.The good news is, we don’t ever have to share the details of what we write: we just talk about what we get out of the process… so that’s kinda good because I don’t really want to be sharing too much with people I don’t know.
But I’ve learned some interesting things over the last week…one disturbing realization is that I’m turning into my parents (or my father, at least), having tons of expectations for myself and for people I love. I guess I sorta already knew this about myself but I dunno, it became super evident the last few days. And as much as I try to practice self-acceptance, I still really gauge my self worth through accomplishments and achievements. In the case of my father, it’s fine because his success is practically a story out of Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers, but in my case, I often feel disappointed by all the unmet expectations. I frequently feel insufficient, inadequate: this nagging voice drives me to try to do more and to be more, but sometimes I just feel overwhelmed and consumed trying to be something more than I am. Then to make matters worse, I also have a fear of complacency. Goddamn, I feel like I have an entire debate/conflict just raging in my head!!
But I’m pressing Ctrl-Alt-Del now, because seriously, I exhaust myself.
Ok, I’m piping it down: no more over-analyzing with the Myers-Briggs. Promise. Kind of. Maybe? 😉
Well, I might still have to over-analyze other stuff though… I couldn’t sleep again last night (well, all week). I dunno. It’s not even so much about the workplace anymore… it’s deeper than that. More existential, I guess. And then whenever I do finally sleep, I have super stressful, conflict-ridden dreams. So I guess I have issues. Maybe the sleep deprivation will at least lead to some weight loss, and then I can stop obsessing over my flabby upper arms. I dunno when they happened, but they are my new reality. Shiiit!!! That’s another story entirely.
So I did my homework for class, and apparently qualities that are important to me (through tasks that I love/hate to do) are: accomplishment, connection, communication, control, competence, energy, enthusiasm, understanding… the results of the spreadsheet aren’t that far-fetched, but it is pretty interesting see everything quantified with numbers that assign a weight to these things… So I’m trying to be honest with myself while refraining from judging/criticizing myself or thinking I should be better at XYZ… Does that make any sense? I know, who has the time for such self-absorbed, mental deliberations??? It’s exhausting and really rather unrelenting… My second class is tonight, and mostly, I just hope I don’t get all fucking emotional in front of these strangers. I also hope I arrive at some clarity soon, because this unknown gray matter is killing me. Blergh!
John and I saw Miss Saigon in Palo Alto on Saturday. Fuck man. I was an absolute mess. Surprise, surprise. Stories about women, poverty, war, misfortune, sacrifice… they get me every. damn. time. Twenty minutes in, and the tears were streaming down my face. I made it mid-play and then this one song REALLY triggered the waterworks. I started breathing all unevenly… totally on the verge of a sob-fest meltdown. Yup, that’s how I am with Les Mis too!! I dunno. It’s my Achilles heel. And yet, I CANNOT stay away. The music, the words, the story… it’s just so irresistibly powerful! And the thing is, this isn’t just some random, fictional story, you know? This is life!!! Complex and raw and unforgiving and disheartening…
And I really shouldn’t go here, but seriously, what the fuck is going on in this world? The Amanda Berry story, the 12-y/o boy who stabs his 8-y/o sister, teachers molesting students, coaches abusing their athletes, violence and abuse all over the damn place. What. the. hell??????? It is just too much. Can so many people really be this f-ing insane???
Ugh, I’m getting all worked up… Sorry. Yeah, so ANYway, the play moved me, and then on Sunday, I looked like Benicio del Toro with his ridic puffy, bee-stung eyes. My face was totally swollen. What can I say, I’m uber sensitive for a Thinking type.
Thankfully, Sunday was a lot less intense. I rode the new white horse (Sugar) again. Don’t be fooled by her sweet name and big brown eyes. Beotch does NOT like to listen. But I did better on her this week than last. I will ultimately prevail. 🙂
|From Spring Riding at Chaparral|
Omg, I am exhausted. I was up past 3 a.m. over-thinking all kinds of shit. Man, all these fucking self-discovery/exploratory exercises and readings are making me crazy!! I thought I was pretty sure about myself before, but now after reading test results and stuff about how ESTJs interact with people, how they handle friendships, how they function in a work setting, blah, blah, blah, now I’m second guessing myself with how I interpret relationships and situations and interactions, you know? Fuck, and I think it’s only going to get worse before it gets better. Interestingly, my friend B is ESTJ also. So bizarre, because I think he and I are TOTALLY different personalities!! Like he’s always happy, patient, tolerant, easy-going… Wth?
John said a funny thing to me yesterday: he said that I shouldn’t be so concerned about all these personality tests and putting myself into these classifications. He said I’m an extremely complex person– a conundrum, and I can’t be squished into these limiting boxes. Haha. So euphemistic. That’s right, I’m an individual, goddammit!!!
So anyway… I went to my first “Uncover your Calling” workshop on Wed night. Ahh-mazing. I felt so moved by the facilitator. She just had such a compelling way of explaining things. But yeah, the class has a shitload of homework. And hard, thought-provoking questions too. Like what are 20 things you love to do and what qualities about those activities make you enjoy them? What are 20 things you hate to do and what qualities are missing from those activities that make you dislike them? Then there are a bunch of free-writing exercises. Who writes stuff without ANY editing at all? Just fifteen minutes of constant hand movement, she says. What??? Completely foreign to me.
This weekend is chill for us. I’m going to a friend’s house/pool, riding, then Hubster and I will probably both do some work. Maybe go for a bike ride too. I’ve been meaning to catch Miss Saigon in Palo Alto. The play closes on Sunday. We’ll see. I love that musical even though it has an awful “woman sacrifices all” message.
Last night I booked tickets for Seattle in June. Damn fares have been fluctuating all over the place, but after monitoring for weeks, I finally bit the bullet. We’re going to see my bud G and her hubby J. They recently bought a gorgeous mid-century house and got a new puppy. I’m going to take Yuki too so we can jam.
Seriously, how are we nearing June already. Need to get my shit figured out for realz.
Apparently AXS tv televised this annual music festival for the first time. I watched some of the performers on Sunday, but they didn’t inspire me to go next year… or ever. It’s not really my kind of music. I did pause the housecleaning to catch some M5 eye candy, but surprisingly, I’m losing interest in my tattooed heartthrob! I know, are you incredulous? My friend M texted me that he was looking fine, sounding great, and that I must’ve been in heaven, but eh, I think I’ve moved on already (to Brandon Flowers). I mean, don’t get me wrong: AL will still do in a pinch, but the attraction is definitely waning. The Killers’ music is just so much better than that fluff M5 crap. Plus, since I’m kinda a prude, I think maybe my ideals align better with Brandon the Mormon than with Adam the playboy.
Am I over thinking this??? Hehe. Don’t worry: I still have my feet firmly planted. Hubster is still my No.1. After all, we didn’t make it to ten years of marriage on a fucking whim.
I was feeling more distracted than usual today. I took Remy to the ER very late Sunday night. She’s having an episode: puke, no appetite, general disorientation, super stiff back legs. Seemed better today. My poor baby. Otherwise, I was stuck in a bunch of shit meetings at work. FML.
Man, I’m looking forward to unwinding with a glass of pinot tonight. During the week I’ve been doing job stuff at night and now I’ve signed up for multiple workshops and programs on “Uncovering Your Calling.” Yup, deep introspective, exploratory shit. Last night, I found some site with free online personality tests, and I took a gazillion of them back to back. All except one came back as ESTJ “Administrator.” One was ISTJ. I swear, those damn tests always recommend like the most boring jobs ever for my personality. WTF. I mean, come on: librarian, funeral director, corporate finance lawyer?? Oh well, I still eat that shit up. Anything that helps me classify people and things into neat little boxes, I guess.
Btw, John was telling me that his coworkers had some discussion about kids the other day. One guy said that within the first HOUR of meeting his newborn, he witnessed/observed a personality. And that personality has remained constant even as the child has grown. He claims that the personality will stay the same forever. That just blows my mind! Like wtf, really? But John said everyone who had kids agreed!! Is that possible? Shit, I was a cantankerous, temperamental, fussy, crybaby as an infant/child. But I’m definitely NOT that anymore… Anyway, I also came across this recently on Pinterest and again, I was kinda intrigued that parenting could be condensed into this simple little flowchart. Is this shit for real?
Our weekend in wine country was amazing– I’d say one of the best ever!! The Airbnb cottage in Sonoma was lovely, peaceful, quiet; the meals in Yountville were pretty fantastic (though I still think Bouchon Bakery and Restaurant are overrated). We had brunch at Auberge du Soleil– incredible view of the valley and tasty food (I heart duck confit!). We had dinner at Ad Hoc Saturday night. Yup, easily one of the top meals. Really unique and complex flavors– even the lemonade had some creative blend of magic crystals. Shit, my mouth is watering now just thinking about that meal. Yeah, we had like three super rich meals back to back. And well, Fitbit took a real beating this weekend. Oh well, vacation’s over. Back to the kickboxing gym this week. Blergh!
On Sunday, we hit the Fairmont Sonoma Mission Inn and Spa. They have this Good Neighbor deal where you get all-day access to their facilities for $40. We were there all day: mineral pools, wet/dry saunas, hot tubs, uber deluxe. I’m thinking to go back for my bday in June!
What else. Oh, so we got back to town Sunday night, and like authentic youngsters, we hit the Killers concert at Bill Graham. When we walked in, all these kids were sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of the stage. I was worried, because shit, I swore I got us seats!!! I know, I am such a concert newb! Thankfully, we were early enough that there were stadium seats upstairs (with all the old folks) in the balcony. The openers (Felice Brothers) were blah, but shit, the Killers were REALLY good. And the acoustics were great! They must’ve played like 20 songs. Solid set. The place was sold out with a capacity of 7,000! Thankfully, the drug scene was toned down compared to the Fillmore.
Oh and by the way, Adam Levine is getting replaced. Haha. Too bad Brandon Flowers is Mormon and has three kids. Yeah, I already did my background check on him. Hehe. Whatevs, the music was superb. Now I’m on a Killers 24-7 binge. Seriously, I cannot get enough.
So yup, I was back to work Monday. Usually by the end of a weekend, I’m itching to get back into the office. This time, I probably could have used another day or two off. 🙂