Ugh, I just got home from session 3, and goddamnit, I’m starting to hate this bullshit. Seriously, this is the third time I’ve left that place feeling worse than when I entered. I mean, who the hell thought up 50-minute sessions? Cannot accomplish shit in that amount of time. I’m so frustrated, I think I’m going to drop the whole thing.
I mean, I just feel like we’re moving at a snail’s pace. Granted, how much can you really know a person after three meetings but jesus, how to scoot this thing along? I mean, shouldn’t she get homework or something? Like maybe I should just send her my blog, and she can read up and get a better sense of what I’m thinking. Because honestly, is this arrangement really fair to me or to her? We need “office hours” in addition to class time.
So today the discussion deviated from the previous ones, because frankly, I haven’t been focusing on my issues recently. For one, I haven’t been going to open mics or theater performances so in a way, I’ve saved myself from the usual inadequacy triggers. But whatever, I’ve just started to get back into my activities and not worry so much about achieving for now.
So today I wanted to talk about this whole recent theme of disturbing news… and what does she say? First off, it would be highly unwise and inappropriate of me to broach these allegations with my manager. Her argument is that I don’t really know what happened. And either way, the damage has already been done to his reputation and to my level of respect for him. My argument is that if indeed the stories are true, his reckless, harmful behavior continues to wreak havoc on unsuspecting women and overlooking it is again just another way of letting people get away with shit… where is the accountability for their actions?
So then what does she suggest? She says to investigate deeper to see WHY I’m getting so worked up about these stories of sexual misdeeds (because I brought up the Duke story and Michael Jackson too). What the hell does she want me to say? I feel like she’s digging for some hidden secret, like I was molested as a child or raped as a teen. She asks why I’m not outraged about global warming or suicide bombers. Wtf? Believe me sister, I get worked up about a lot of things. Does she want me to put ALL of it on the table? Is it not enough to say that I am feminist, and violence against women (much of which is sexual) is closely linked to sexual discrimination and inequality? So annoyed.
And just because I’m childless, does that mean I should NOT be outraged by sex abuse of children? Fuck it, man. Who makes ANY progress with therapy? Jesus, I go into it believing/wanting it to work but in the end, it’s just like going around in circles. John says the only experts I actually have luck with are doctors. The others? I always think they’ll guide me to the light but more often than not, they just don’t seem to “get” me.
Conclusion? Status quo: proceed as usual and hope to god, women using online dating site are doing their due diligence researching their potential dates. Come on, people. GOOOGLE!!
perhaps approach therapy from a different perspective. it is not something meant to solve problems. rather, consider it as a way to help yourself understand yourself better. no one can give you the answer to your frustrations but you. better said than done, because often we don't know where to start untying the knots. there's so many knots, you'd rather just cut it off. a therapist at best is the friend who helps you try new ways to untie that knot. but they can't untie that knot. the reason therapy can be so frustrating is that it asks many uncomfortable questions. questions we think we already have a clear set answer to. but more often than not, our own egos get in the way. do we really think this or that? is this really the reason? my counselor would put me in a spot very often in the days i used to go to her. i couldn't articulate the overarching reasons of my frustrations. i could at best, give her examples of it. lables, genres of things/situations/people who ignite my frustration.but her help worked most after i saw her. not during. she shone the spotlight on me. probed me in ways that would question the honesty of my answers. not so much because she thought i was a liar or hiding something. she doesn't care to know. she just wanted me to consider if i was not giving dimensions to the things i spoke about. she didn't care if i never admitted to her that i might've been hiding some truths or half-truths from her. because she was ultimately providing me the tools to handle my own emotions. and even if i would never admit something to anyone but myself, at least i would've admitted it to myself and i could work on the necessary in my privacy. give it a little more time? three sessions really is short. stick with it for a while more. the results are incremental, snowballing. hang in there.