I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately… I’m back in a funk again, of sorts. I don’t know what prompted all of this, but I just feel dissatisfied, incomplete. Now before you suggest children as a probable fix, let me just stop you right there. My issue is with myself. I just feel so damn unaccomplished. Ugh, it’s frustrating really. I should just focus on learning and enjoying but I can’t help obsessing about the end point. What’s the final deliverable? What do I have to show for? Why do I drive myself insane with all of this nonsense?
Take, for example, my job. Frickin’ best job I’ve ever had. EVER. Great hours, good pay, awesome boss, stable, steady… I just got approved for a flex work schedule too: work 9 hrs/day and get every other Monday off. Totally sweet. But what do I obsess over now? Staying nimble, staying relevant, keeping everything at the cutting edge. I have this fear of losing that edge, of falling behind, of letting the agency down if I’m not constantly learning the latest and greatest. And then what about five years from now? There’s nowhere up… is it ok to be in the same position five years later? How do I know whether that’s acceptable or not? And let’s just say, however unlikely, I lose this job. How marketable am I in this current market? Ugh. The worry and anxiety. Why does it come in waves?
Last weekend, John and I were in Long Beach visiting his sister and some of our friends. Was a great short trip, but I found myself envying others. I had all this hype and excitement about getting style advice from Pamela and even though I thought I had make progress, as soon as I climbed into Pamela’s car, I realized, I was only at 2 of 10. I blame it on flying and traveling: it makes me way too minimalist and then I wear the laziest outfits. But anyway, yeah Pamela looked great and so effortless (even though I know otherwise). And then of course, she is a native Spanish speaker so that’s something to envy. 🙂 John’s sis? Totally stylish and beautiful and healthy and completely independent and self sufficient. Like why can’t I be like her? Project manager for a gabillion people, making good money, supporting herself, doing her thing, reading, learning, being healthy. Living comfortably in the OC. A few months ago, she said she was sick of the OC– very comfortable but too damn boring, like being on autopilot. She was thinking about moving to SF. But now, she’s rethinking… I mean, why move, really? The weather in southern Cal is beautiful. Good job, friends… why uproot?
I wouldn’t want to NOT have John. That’s not what I’m saying. But I suppose what bothers me is this realization that I depend on him for a lot of things. And that vulnerability bothers me. Now I could argue that I don’t HAVE to rely on him, that I could be self sufficient if I really needed to… maybe deep down, I question whether that is really true. Perhaps I need a test to prove this to myself.
This is my problem. Again, the constant searching for something. This week I started thinking that I was becoming too complacent, so I started backing into my garage again. My logic? Gotta keep up those skills you know… and I proceeded to back into our storage boxes in the garage. Nice.
I enrolled in the Spanish II class at the community center, and fuck, now I’m at the bottom of the class. Seriously, the competency spread is way too wide. I partnered with a lady this week in conversation, and she got all frustrated having to practice with a dumbo like me. And I’ve been listening to CDs in the car and studying the book! So frustrating!
I must have ADD. Seriously. I’m turning into a perpetual dabbler. I recently watched Planet Bboy, a movie about breakdancing. Now, a few days later, I’m contemplating a bgirl workshop in SF on Sunday… yeah in like 2 days! Am I crazy? And I already found two upcoming “battles” in the area. I mean honestly, what the fuck is a dorky Chinese suburbanite and her Boy Scout hubby going to do chilling out at a dancecrew event? We’ll have to go to PacSun or Zumiez to get the right attire just to be spectator. What a freakin’ mess. I’m telling you: I got problems.