Inner Turmoil

Inner Turmoil

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately… I’m back in a funk again, of sorts. I don’t know what prompted all of this, but I just feel dissatisfied, incomplete. Now before you suggest children as a probable fix, let me just stop you right there. My issue is with myself. I just feel so damn unaccomplished. Ugh, it’s frustrating really. I should just focus on learning and enjoying but I can’t help obsessing about the end point. What’s the final deliverable? What do I have to show for? Why do I drive myself insane with all of this nonsense?

Take, for example, my job. Frickin’ best job I’ve ever had. EVER. Great hours, good pay, awesome boss, stable, steady… I just got approved for a flex work schedule too: work 9 hrs/day and get every other Monday off. Totally sweet. But what do I obsess over now? Staying nimble, staying relevant, keeping everything at the cutting edge. I have this fear of losing that edge, of falling behind, of letting the agency down if I’m not constantly learning the latest and greatest. And then what about five years from now? There’s nowhere up… is it ok to be in the same position five years later? How do I know whether that’s acceptable or not? And let’s just say, however unlikely, I lose this job. How marketable am I in this current market? Ugh. The worry and anxiety. Why does it come in waves?

Last weekend, John and I were in Long Beach visiting his sister and some of our friends. Was a great short trip, but I found myself envying others. I had all this hype and excitement about getting style advice from Pamela and even though I thought I had make progress, as soon as I climbed into Pamela’s car, I realized, I was only at 2 of 10. I blame it on flying and traveling: it makes me way too minimalist and then I wear the laziest outfits. But anyway, yeah Pamela looked great and so effortless (even though I know otherwise). And then of course, she is a native Spanish speaker so that’s something to envy. 🙂 John’s sis? Totally stylish and beautiful and healthy and completely independent and self sufficient. Like why can’t I be like her? Project manager for a gabillion people, making good money, supporting herself, doing her thing, reading, learning, being healthy. Living comfortably in the OC. A few months ago, she said she was sick of the OC– very comfortable but too damn boring, like being on autopilot. She was thinking about moving to SF. But now, she’s rethinking… I mean, why move, really? The weather in southern Cal is beautiful. Good job, friends… why uproot?

I wouldn’t want to NOT have John. That’s not what I’m saying. But I suppose what bothers me is this realization that I depend on him for a lot of things. And that vulnerability bothers me. Now I could argue that I don’t HAVE to rely on him, that I could be self sufficient if I really needed to… maybe deep down, I question whether that is really true. Perhaps I need a test to prove this to myself.

This is my problem. Again, the constant searching for something. This week I started thinking that I was becoming too complacent, so I started backing into my garage again. My logic? Gotta keep up those skills you know… and I proceeded to back into our storage boxes in the garage. Nice.

I enrolled in the Spanish II class at the community center, and fuck, now I’m at the bottom of the class. Seriously, the competency spread is way too wide. I partnered with a lady this week in conversation, and she got all frustrated having to practice with a dumbo like me. And I’ve been listening to CDs in the car and studying the book! So frustrating!

I must have ADD. Seriously. I’m turning into a perpetual dabbler. I recently watched Planet Bboy, a movie about breakdancing. Now, a few days later, I’m contemplating a bgirl workshop in SF on Sunday… yeah in like 2 days! Am I crazy? And I already found two upcoming “battles” in the area. I mean honestly, what the fuck is a dorky Chinese suburbanite and her Boy Scout hubby going to do chilling out at a dancecrew event? We’ll have to go to PacSun or Zumiez to get the right attire just to be spectator. What a freakin’ mess. I’m telling you: I got problems.

One Response »

  1. it’s not about the end goal lady. it’s about the journey. knowing the bumps and potholes on the road and knowing how to avoid them when you ride down the road again. nothing is learned overnight. and it’s about doing things that agree with you, not what you think you ought to do.you don’t need style advice. and ‘professionals’ don’t know everything. learn to know your instincts and then trust it. you have no idea how many makeup artists, photographers, whatever bullshit professionals have wanted to shave my eyebrows, wear my hair, tell me to eat, dress and walk a certain way. in the end, they were all wrong when i trust my instincts. my hairdresser of 6 years gives me the best hair i’ve ever had in my life because he worked with who i am, not what i can/should/could look like. he very confidently cut 7 inches of my hair at one go because he knew i would want it when everyone i knew, including his assistants gasped in horror. many friends insist i should’ve kept my hair to this day, but when i question them about the way i look now, none of them could reason that i didn’t look better now. it wasn’t my hair they were trying to keep, it was their fears that they projected upon me. and doing what i did, i became a mirror of their fears. so go try and feel what agrees with you, not which picture you could be. p/s: skinny jeans are like last decade now. go back to wearing your comfy straight legs and ignore that advice, honest. trends vs style, style triumphs and is ageless.

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