Our house is under attack. By ants. People say it’s that time of the year again… I’m not sure whether they’re actually just trying to mask their disgust with our squalor or if they are trying to console us or what. Either way, the ants are relentless. Twice in August, I came home from work to find swarms covering my stove top. Seriously folks, I know John and I are a bit on the cluttery side, but I swear I wipe down the stove top. And I don’t leave shit out. Duh. Then the ants started appearing in armies in the bathroom. I couldn’t take it anymore. Already, I was vacuuming at least once a day (I’m that obsessed with my Dyson). Perhaps I needed to do another wipe down with chemicals? We sprayed Raid all around the outside of the house. Nothing worked. I put down baking soda, borax, pepper. Finally, I sprayed inside the house (hate exposing us and the dogs to that junk); we got some relief but invariably, the ants returned. Finally, I decided this was something for the pros. So I called in a 4-person cleaning crew. Maybe there’s just something we were missing, like between the fridge or around the baseboards. Let me tell you. I was a bit stressed when the cleaning lady first arrived to survey the house and give me a quote. In fact, I cleaned up a bit before she came. Within two minutes, she had me disgusted with myself. She ran her fingers on shelves, window sills, the blinds. Yeah this was going to be a $300 deep cleaning job. Holy cow! But whatever, let’s see what a deep cleaning is all about right?
OMG, the next morning, a crew of four arrived. I headed off to work, but John says they busted butt for like 2 1/2 hours straight. Unfortunately, he didn’t have the smarts to actually watch them work: I wanted to learn all the trade secrets, you know? Like what products, what tools, etc. Anyway, I arrived home later that day and the place was amazingly clean. Holy shit, I didn’t even know this was what clean meant. I ran my fingers over everything in search of dust. Zippo. They cleaned the blinds, the fridge, the oven… but the bathrooms and floors were the best. My feet could even feel a difference. I know, are you grossed out? We’re pigs. What can I say? So now I’m trying to figure out what I can cut (cable tv perhaps) so I can set aside monthly cleanings at $150 a shot. Sigh. It sure was nice to come home to a clean house.
Of course, just as I was all elated and shit living among the clean people, the next day, I returned home to find the goddamn ants all over the stove top again!!! WTF???! People say you have to follow their track. I have tried. This time, I decided to open the bottom oven broiler drawer. To my surprise, I could see a ton of gunk underneath. Why didn’t the cleaning folks get it? It doesn’t appear accessible. After about five minutes of fidgeting around this area, I realized the drawer slides all the way out. Omfg. The horror under the stove. There was frosting droplets, broken glass, dust like you wouldn’t believe, grease, grime. Utterly filthy. But I was determined to get in there. Busted out the vacuum attachments, the wet rags. I was on my hands and knees sweating up a storm and getting all hot and bothered. By the time John got home, I was pissed. These fucking ants!
We’ve gone out and gotten new ant traps. I still see the fuckers around, but I think the situation is getting better. Uh, I really don’t want to get a terminator out here. For some reason, I just feel like that professional strength stuff will give us and the dogs brain damage. I know.
In other homemaking news, I decided the dogs needed a bath. Usually, that’s the only time the guest shower ever gets used. But the stupid shower head has like zero pressure and it’s this odd metal thing that veers to one side (not centered) and can only go straight up or down (a few inches) without any side to side motion. Hard to describe but basically, it’s a piece of shit that makes the shower practically unusable. For some reason, I felt especially motivated that day to optimize the situation. I researched those handheld showerheads online, got the exact model at Target, came home, installed, and voila. Just $20 later and I had a usable guest shower plus dog washer. Who knew problem solving could be so easy! Why had I waited for so long? Too many other projects going on, I tell you. The brain is constantly churning with things to do, how to make me and my things better. I think my insomnia is coming back…