I have a lot on my mind these days. This evening, I feel like a horrible daughter. My father called around dinnertime today asking me to research renewing the business license for his rental condo in DC. The thing is, my parents are fairly low maintenance. They rarely ask me for anything, but every time they DO ask, my father always couches it as “my English no good so… ” blah, blah. I don’t know if he’s trying to be self-deprecating or what but it just pisses me off! I mean, stop making excuses! Hello, he was a prominent OB/GYN for 30 years! His English is good enough for that, and now he’s retired so why can he not get a better handle on figuring out the system? Am I accusing him of being lazy? Am I so self-centered I can’t even help my own father on such a minor request? I know, I came across so bratty, but I’m just so frustrated. The guy is super competent, super smart. When he asks me computer problems, I write everything down step by step. I email the directions. Yet, he and my mother never follow the directions. It’s as if they don’t even read the fucking email. When I call to follow up, it’s always “I’m old; I don’t know computers; I can’t type…” Well you sure as hell figure it out to monitor your stocks and to do your trading transactions! I know it’s hard. I lived in Shanghai and couldn’t even read but why is he letting himself lose that edge? Whatever happened to “hit the iron while it’s hot” and “sharpen the knife?”

Then he got all upset that I was annoyed. He explained that whenever he calls places to get more information, the damn automated answering service never understands what he says. And when he does finally get to a person, that person doesn’t understand and doesn’t help him. So fine. I understand that, and I’m sorry for the shitty experience. But the computer problems? There’s no excuse. I mean, I take the time to write out the instructions, he should at least try to follow them. Sigh. I’m just so stressed about everything that’s going on. My best friend is depressed and I can’t help her. My other friend has terminal cancer and his wife is flipping out. My parents are getting older, and I’m on the other side of the country. I call every week and there’s nothing to say. And then my father asks for help, and I get all impatient. Why? Am I trying to teach him a lesson? Am I applying the whole “teach a man to fish” principle? Seems ridiculous doesn’t it? Honestly, I don’t know why I give attitude. That’s just how I interact with my parents. I need to cut the crap. I mean, I have good intentions but whatever. They’re old. Just do it for them. Guess that’s my conclusion. So fine. I’m calling the DC government first thing tomorrow morning to figure out the license renewal fee (can’t believe they don’t post that shit online). And I’m researching PC Anywhere tonight so I can set it up remote access on their computer in August. I know MSN offers remote access, but I can’t even get them to follow the steps to log onto IM! Fucking A.

In other news, I’ve been hearing a lot about the link between forgiveness and attaining true happiness. My brother emailed me on my birthday, and I never replied. I still haven’t really spoken to him since probably 2003 when he lived with us. I just don’t want to deal with him on any level. Intrinsically, I suppose this means that I don’t forgive him for being a spoiled, inconsiderate ass. But all this talk of learning to forgive…. My response? What about accountability? What about learning to be a decent, responsible, considerate person? Fuck forgiveness. Seriously.