It had to be done, and quite frankly, it was long overdue… but I still felt bad delivering the news. You see, last week I had another meltdown, this time in front of the boss man. I told him that I had planned on submitting my letter. He said I would do no such thing. The crisis was averted then; he told me to give them a second chance.

The thing was, I’d been hating my job since at least March when I had suffered my first meltdown. I’d convinced myself to hang on (I’m not sure why), and very quickly March turned into July. So today, I just said the fit wasn’t right. He probed for more: he wanted to know the true reason. That is the true reason. I’m tired of the daily crisis mode. I’m burned out beyond belief, and I’m sad to say, I failed to manage the stress. I let it affect my health, my mood, and my overall life.
Since last week, he’s asked me how I’m doing. Like everyday. It’s nice to have the concern, but I now feel like he’s handling me with baby gloves. Not necessary. But as you can see, I have a difficult time letting go. This company is something to which I have committed myself for the last nine months. And now it’s done. A part of me is sad to let that go. Another part of me feels guilty for leaving. I know, I shouldn’t feel so self-important, but well, I do bust ass for this place.

And now I’m second guessing myself. I should have told him sooner. I should have asked for help. I should have limited my exposure: 8 to 5, that’s it. But the trouble is, I’m a workaholic, and I can’t help but throw myself into things. I see that he’s diverted a lot of work off of me and onto others in the last week. But I guess the second truth to all of this is that I’m a treehugger at heart. I need to be closer to the green/progressive action. Renewable energy and clean tech are great buzz words, but in the end, I need to feel people are motivated by an inner desire, not just the bottom line. And I want to feel a part of a community, a movement. I want to volunteer again and recapture that sense of something bigger. I want my work to satisfy my passions, and I suppose in the end, this place doesn’t do that. I still feel sad about leaving everyone. Sure, they weren’t my buddies, but there were connections and now they’ll likely be lost. I can’t help but feel some regret… was it a mistake?

There’s no turning back now. Perhaps a night’s rest will allow me to settle with my decision.

John and I ventured into the city earlier this month for Jersey Boys. Very entertaining production. A little lacking with the drama, but the music was definitely my speed. Of course, I’m such a wannabe. Everytime I see anything on stage, I always wish I had that kind of talent. Sigh. Anyway, John got me a Four Seasons CD, so the drive into work is a good time.

I’m on a total theater kick. Next Saturday, we’re going to see Beauty and the Beast. I know, it’s Disney but hey, I’m desperate for theater. Plus, it’s at the San Mateo Performing Arts Center. Super close and convenient. Plus, we’ve seen two of their productions already and their stuff is high caliber. Then, on Sunday I’m driving a couple hours to Sacramento (never been) to see Les Mis for the second or third time. I absolutely cannot wait. So excited for Les Mis. My favorite song would have to be Fantine’s “I Dreamed a Dream” or Javert’s “Stars.” Very tough call, but the former definitely brings me to tears. Actually, tears would be an understatement. That song triggers the fucked up breating and all. I know, I’m a sucker I tell you.

In other news, I had an interesting meeting yesterday with a prospective customer. I swear, this job reminds me a lot of my landfill engineering work. You meet all kinds of characters. So yesterday, we had a sales meeting. The CEO, Product Manager, and I headed over to a beverage bottling company to tell them about our product. Into the lobby strolled this guy in a Dickies suit with tattoos all over his arms. That wasn’t even the thing. So we sit down in the cafeteria (of all places) for our meeting. The CEO does his spiel and every now and then, the conversion goes off on tangents. At some point, the guy tells us about his lady and what she supposedly likes about him…. blah, blah. She likes his brain, she thinks he’s hot, and she can bear his children. Long story short, the guy uses the word cum during our meeting. I couldn’t believe it. Seriously. If I thought crying at work was unprofessional? “Cum” in a customer meeting? Totally bizarro. Where the fuck am I, you know what I’m saying? Gotta love the job. Only gets better. NOT.

I got so much stuff done this weekend… not an ounce of work but plenty of fun activities. Yes, I’m on my way to living the active life. Btw, did you know Yelp has that as a category? So let’s see: Saturday, John had to work– again. I did lots of me time. Got an awesome deep tissue massage. Heather rocked. Ultra strong fingers and she worked out all the knots in my back. I’m telling you, nothing’s better than a good massage. Then I cleaned and did laundry. Yes, the rest of it wasn’t that exciting. But by late afternoon, John had finished his work so we hurried up to Daly City for a horseback ride on the beach. Mar Vista Stables was a bit rough… sure, I picked it because I hate those ultra safe (and boring) trail rides where the horses never go faster than SLOW but geez, this was an experience. First, there were four pages of waivers including a declaration declining head protection (which wasn’t offered). Then, I got on my horse and he kept wandering around aimlessly in the corral. He approached one group of horses, and the ranch hands started yelling at me saying to keep him away or else the other horses would kick us. This brief brush with danger happened twice. Meanwhile, I had received zippo instructions on how to lead/handle the horse. Ditto for John. Then our guide got on his horse and his horse was especially feisty, meaning he looked like he was trying to rear up and throw the rider off. Not good. The wrangler then started whipping his horse with the reins.

Finally, we got going. The ranch was situated on the top of a cliff and on the way down the path, my horse came frightfully close to the edge. I know I’m a paranoid freak, but how could I NOT worry about the smallest misstep? I would have been done for. Anyway, to my surprise, the ride down went ok. Going from the base to the beach, however, was another story: my horse suddenly got down. Wtf? Then, he proceeded to roll on his back. As fast as I could, I got my foot out of the stirrup and stepped back. No way was I gonna have my right leg crushed by some 1000-lb beast! I dunno what was up with my horse. Was I too much of a burden? Needless to say, it was one thing after another. Leave it to me to get an awry horse.

That said, once I got back on and we went along the beach, the experience was beautiful.

Of course, there were other interesting observations… like the blade in my wrangler’s back pocket. Sketchy. And my horse trotted several times, which banged me up pretty badly thanks to my bony ass. Still, that isn’t gonna stop me. I looked up a bunch more horseback riding places. I’m thinking I want to take lessons. Who knows, maybe I’ll even buy a horse! They only cost 1-2 grand. Not bad considering an iPhone is $600.

Sigh. Well, I’m pooped. Boss is back in town and tomorrow is another busy day. Interview tomorrow afternoon. Giving notice July 5 supposedly. I can feel myself chickening out already. I know, I gotta hang tough. Wish me luck!