It had to be done, and quite frankly, it was long overdue… but I still felt bad delivering the news. You see, last week I had another meltdown, this time in front of the boss man. I told him that I had planned on submitting my letter. He said I would do no such thing. The crisis was averted then; he told me to give them a second chance.
The thing was, I’d been hating my job since at least March when I had suffered my first meltdown. I’d convinced myself to hang on (I’m not sure why), and very quickly March turned into July. So today, I just said the fit wasn’t right. He probed for more: he wanted to know the true reason. That is the true reason. I’m tired of the daily crisis mode. I’m burned out beyond belief, and I’m sad to say, I failed to manage the stress. I let it affect my health, my mood, and my overall life.
Since last week, he’s asked me how I’m doing. Like everyday. It’s nice to have the concern, but I now feel like he’s handling me with baby gloves. Not necessary. But as you can see, I have a difficult time letting go. This company is something to which I have committed myself for the last nine months. And now it’s done. A part of me is sad to let that go. Another part of me feels guilty for leaving. I know, I shouldn’t feel so self-important, but well, I do bust ass for this place.
And now I’m second guessing myself. I should have told him sooner. I should have asked for help. I should have limited my exposure: 8 to 5, that’s it. But the trouble is, I’m a workaholic, and I can’t help but throw myself into things. I see that he’s diverted a lot of work off of me and onto others in the last week. But I guess the second truth to all of this is that I’m a treehugger at heart. I need to be closer to the green/progressive action. Renewable energy and clean tech are great buzz words, but in the end, I need to feel people are motivated by an inner desire, not just the bottom line. And I want to feel a part of a community, a movement. I want to volunteer again and recapture that sense of something bigger. I want my work to satisfy my passions, and I suppose in the end, this place doesn’t do that. I still feel sad about leaving everyone. Sure, they weren’t my buddies, but there were connections and now they’ll likely be lost. I can’t help but feel some regret… was it a mistake?
There’s no turning back now. Perhaps a night’s rest will allow me to settle with my decision.