So I’m back to my habits of disordered eating. Mind you, I don’t have an eating disorder, but certainly, my feeding habits are shoddy at best and then when I’m busy or stressed, I tend to skip meals because I can’t be bothered to stop what I’m doing. I know, I’m messed up and I should really watch myself considering my mother has stomach problems and as a child, I gave myself UTI because I didn’t want to take the time to pee. Psycho. Anyway, the last two weeks, I’ve been ditching on the lunch group at work. To be honest, part of my reason is that I get bored with their dining choices. Not particularly tasty and well, the group is so big that it’s difficult to really mesh. In the end, it’s like eating mediocre food in this awkward/uncomfortable environment. Sorry, but I’d rather skip and leave earlier than normal (which, btw, still isn’t early).
So work itself is going ok. Busy, and sometimes I feel like I don’t have answers when questions are asked (I told you my short-term memory has gone to shit) so then I appear retarded or unaware or not on top of things. Whatever though, I’m working pretty hard. And while I have a knack for tracking things, I have to say, it’s often a pain in the ass. I don’t like harassing people and following up a million times. Is this a glorified secretarial type thing I’m doing here? I don’t know. Working with all these hardcore EEs and MEs and ChemEs is giving me a serious complex. I’m like in that weird in-between space of not being technical enough for the product but also not really non-technical. Hard to explain. Anyway, yes, some days– or rather, at least once a day– I feel stupid.
My god though, I’m digging deep to unearth my stash of engineering “knowledge.” Shit, man. I had to do unit conversions the other day, and I was slow as a snail. I haven’t touched a TI or HP graphing calculator in years. I swear the CEO thought I’d never done math before. I couldn’t even work the basic desk calculator (having gotten so used to converting shit on Google and just doing +/- operations with the computer calculator). Seriously, I need to dig my HP out of the storage boxes. I can’t use the TI crap where you input everything in series. I do the reverse Polish notation (RPN) stuff. It would still take me a bit to warm up, but I already know I can’t deal with the equation style input. What else? Oh yeah, had to research all this stuff about converting gas concentrations, like ppm and g/L… we’re talking ideal gas law and shit. What the hell? It’s hard to imagine I once considered myself a math/eng/science person. Now I’m total fru fru, I tell you. No calcs. Just writing and emailing correspondence. See? Glorified secretary.
Anyway, our project is going ok. I’m having some issues with glossing over our system performance. I guess you could say I’ve always been a “half empty” kind of person, so when the Pres downplays the errors and focuses on the benefits, I feel dishonest. Maybe that’s not the right word… I guess I feel uncomfortable not being as blunt or frank as I would prefer. I don’t know what my hang up is exactly, but I’m kind of feeling like my position is not going to lean into marketing (as I had originally thought)… don’t think that’s up my alley anymore.
In non-work related news, I finally got a car! Jesus fucking Christ. How long have I researched that? For weeks, I was in total analysis paralysis. There must have been like four stages and each stage I thought I arrived at a decision, only to realize later it was the wrong selection. For example, at first, I wanted the natural gas vehicle. Then it was noisy as hell and supposedly, you couldn’t drive when temps dipped below 35 (it actually frosts here at night). Then, I was going for the used 2005 Civic hybrid. Then I upped to the 2006 because Honda did a redesign and the new engine had more kick, plus it was more fuel efficient. In the end? I got the 2007 hybrid, because it was actually cheaper than a used 2006 plus I could get the alternative fuel vehicle federal tax credit. So damn complicated, and that’s not all. My main motivation was to get the HOV sticker, because I don’t know what is up but since Thanksgiving, my commute has gotten longer. Literally, it was draining the life out of me. So the deal in California is, you have to apply for the sticker. And my god is that a process. Plus, the state DMV is only issuing 10,000 stickers, and supposedly, they’ve already handed out 6,000. So the sticker is now this limited edition thing. I’m telling you, there’s going to be crazy sticker theft! I’m stressed, because depending on how quickly all the bullshit paperwork gets processed (I’ll have to go do all this crap in person), I may very well be SOL. In other words, I paid a premium for a hybrid (in the end, it’s still just a Civic, know what I mean?) only to be denied that damn coveted sticker (my ticket to a shorter commute). But I’m trying to prepare myself for the worst: even if I don’t get the sticker, the car aligns with my principles, blah, blah.
No seriously, I am glad to have a hybrid. I’ll definitely enjoy not having to fill up every week. That said, I’ve gained some insight from this whole car-buying process: I’m becoming more and more of a commitment-phobe. Not with my relationship with John or anything, but just like with settling down and with life in general. It’s tough to explain, but John and I are both finding it difficult to say, want to buy a condo/home or even purchase the car, because we now measure these things in months or years of freedom overseas. So we reason, “For x dollars, we can live in China for 1 year without a job… ” That kind of perspective just changes everything: we now have such a different way of valuing things. Sigh. I’m rambling. It’s late. Well, I guess I still ended up caving and getting the car. Poor John. Now he definitely won’t get that convertible he’s been eyeing. Instead, he gets my Camry– with its dysfunctional ABS and screwy driver-side window. On the bright side, at least he won’t have to walk to work in the brisk cold.