I’ve never been pregnant (cross the fingers!), but I’ve certainly heard the rumors about pregnancy’s many pleasant side effects– cravings, mood swings, overall physical discomfort (and bloating), irritability… I’m displaying ALL these symptoms. Despite my whole “I’m slim and fit” posting just this month, I’m in the middle of some crazy binge. The other day, I literally scooped a huge spoonful of peanut butter (smooth, of course) and rolled it in chocolate morsels. I consumed this dangerous concoction not once, not twice, but THREE times in one sitting. Not quite Reese’s PB cups, but it does fine in a pinch. Who knows how many times this process replayed in one day. Who knows? It’s a mystery.

I’ve also been doing the home popcorn thing. A bit of oil in the pot, dump in the kernels, and voila! Fresh hot popcorn in minutes. Add a bit of salt and it’s popped perfection.

Yesterday, I was dying to take advantage of Asia Xpat’s Monday 2-1 special, but no cigar. Sucks to be alone or to have no friends. Ok, so I guess technically I’m neither, but for all intents and purposes, I was both yesterday, because goddamnit, I had to pass up on two tremendous deals— massage at Dragonfly AND food at 239. Guess there’s always next Monday. So pathetically, I satisfied my hunger with homemade mac and cheese. Macaroni, butter, and cheddar cheese. It was actually kind of gross because I couldn’t get the cheese to melt properly (maybe because it’s not real cheese?). It was all clumpy and shit. So yeah, wasn’t the best m&c but hey, it silenced the pangs. And the mediocre flavor certainly didn’t deter me from consuming a monster bowl.

Today, I met some friends for lunch. Ate an entire plateful of Yangzhou fried rice. It was super tasty, especially because I was starving, but afterwards I regretted doing myself in. Not that I’m now one of those dieting freaks– you know, those annoying skinny girls who always complain about overeating… I DID eat too much (it was like a homestyle-size serving!!), but mostly, I regretted the food coma that followed. I was kind of a bubble head the rest of the day.

Ironically enough, I attended a talk this afternoon on the slow foods movement. Believe it or not, the speaker is the ex-boyfriend of an ex-friend. She’s no longer in Shanghai, and we’re not really in touch anymore. Long story. Anyway, the talk was interesting… I was a bit bothered by the Ostore’s insistence on pairing organic foods with the slow foods movement, but fortunately, the speaker set the record straight from the get go: slow foods isn’t about always promoting healthy or organic foods; rather, it’s about preserving food traditions and cultures, for example, learning the history of dishes from different regions, different peoples. It’s really more like a home-cooked food enthusiast club, at least that’s how I read it.

So the point of all of this is that I’m on some kind of crazy warpath. I’m ok with feeding the cravings… I know they will pass. But for some reason, I’ve been looking and feeling a bit ragged. I’m getting shit sleep– staying up too late doing job apps I think and also trying to study. I don’t exactly know, but my tolerance is growing super thin. Little things are bugging the life out of me. My classmates, for one, continue to get under my skin. OMG, there are these two Korean ladies. They behave like total girls. My fucking god, they have the high-pitched giggle mastered to a t. They laugh at EVERYTHING. Anytime the white dude in class speaks– be it humorous or not (usually not)– his comments are followed by a chorus of uncontrollable giggling. You know that I believe in non-violence right? But shit, I swear, I really want to punch them. Yes, it’s that bad. I should take a tape recorder just so you can understand my pain.

Another example that my anxiety is on high alert? A friend of mine told me about a bad experience with Enjoy Shanghai. Practically everyone I know participates in this Entertainment Book spin-off: basically, you buy this book of vouchers and you get discounts and BOGO specials at various participating venues (food, services, retail, etc.). On paper, the program sounds wonderful. In practice, the system sucks because the fine print is inadequate. You can read the terms and conditions until you’re blue in the face, but once you arrive at the venue, it’s all at their discretion. Suddenly, the coupon’s not valid at that time or for that dish or whatever. Fucking ridiculous. Well yesterday, after hearing my friend’s story, that was simply the last straw. I was pissed, and something had to be done. So I came home and drafted a nastygram. Normally, I obsess about all outgoing correspondence (except those to friends). Yeah, like I spend hours on organization, grammar, flow, language… it’s this paralyzing illness I have. But yesterday, it all just came to me. I wrote and sent the thing in a record 10 minutes. I’m telling you, this is what happens when you break the camel’s back: she turns into a hardcore fighting dog.

I’m writing you once again to voice my displeasure with your Enjoy program. Quite frankly, I am tired of going to the venues, ordering food, and then being told that the coupon is not valid for that menu or for that particular time. The tactic used by Enjoy and the restaurants seems like a classic textbook case of bait and switch.

I can immediately recall two personal incidents (but there are many more, I assure you). One time I went to M*** for lunch. The coupon said nothing about dinner only, but after we finished our meal, the waiter insisted we could not use the coupon. A second time, I went to BB. Again, the coupon did not indicate any restrictions. My friend and I ate lunch and then when we presented the coupon, we were told that it didn’t apply for that particular lunch menu.

Last week, my friend and her husband went to K***. Again, they read the terms listed on the coupon beforehand. They ordered their food, and then the waiter returned and said one of the entrees was not part of the special.

I am frustrated, because I feel this is a deliberate attempt to deceive the customer. The establishments lure us into their venues to try their food and service, and then once we are there, all kinds of new rules and policies appear. Each time, the establishment handles the matter in the most unprofessional and discourteous manner. Now, all of my friends call the venue beforehand and mention the coupon to make sure that when they arrive, the coupon will be accepted. Obviously, such action is excessive; unfortunately, it is also necessary. At this rate, all of us are better off participating in AsiaXpat’s Monday 2 for 1 specials. Enjoy is simply not worth the hassle.

I would appreciate your prompt reply to my grievances. I would like to know how you will ensure that these bait and switch operations do not continue and how you intend to compensate me and my friends for our frustrations and inconveniences with this program.

Well my parents forgot my bday again. In fact, it’s now June 11, and they still haven’t figured it out. I guess it’s not that big a deal considering my family’s never really been into anything festive or celebratory. Plus, this isn’t the first time they’ve forgotten. Let’s see… they forgot my 16th and my 29th. When I was 16, like any other teeny-bopper, I loved John Hughes’s film, “Sixteen Candles.” My parent’s forgetfulness pretty much gave me reason to be Samantha (Molly Ringwald) for the week. Haha, yes I cranked out all the drama I could manage.

My friend Joon busted out with a bday present for me today. So sweet. A chocolate sampler from Mon Reve Patisserie. Don’t ask me how to say the name, but hey, it’s a French pastry shop, so you KNOW the chocolate is serious. The little truffles are exquisite, and yes, that is just the adjective to describe them. Decadent, little pieces that the chef individually hand painted to life with an airbrush! I ate two already and they were heavenly. Truffles. Such delightful treasures.

You know I’m really beginning to notice a theme these days– the oil paintings, the play, the guzheng tuner lady, these chocolates… If only I were creative and artistic like all these people… Sigh. I’m too damn lazy. I kill way too much time reading entertainment news. Gotta get with a program. Any program. Talent can be acquired, can’t it?

OMFG, what is up with employers wanting resumes cut/pasted into text-only boxes? Yes, content is content, but jesus, it’s no huge discovery that formatting MAKES a difference. Ugh. So freaking annoying. Even techie places make such ridiculous demands. What is up with that? Isn’t everything simplier in PDF? No unauthorized mods, and docs look just as they should, regardless of which Word version or whatever.

Anyway, I’ve been doing job apps all frickin’ weekend. At first, I was trying to tailor the resume and cover letter (that’s what the experts advise anyway) to each organization/company, but then I was getting sick of it. Plus, there were only so many permutations I could finagle. Screw it, man. From now on, just minor tweaks. Anyway, employers only give each application a 30-seconds lookover. Not even worth it. And damn, is it just me, or are there a ton of incompetent, lazy dumbfucks out there in high-paying jobs? What is wrong with this world? I want a sweet-ass job! And I promise I’ll try to get along with everyone. And meet all the deadlines. And submit accurate work. Why? Why hasn’t anyone replied to my letters yet? It ain’t right, man. I know, you’re playing the violin…

Speaking of stringed instruments, I got my guzheng restrung and tuned yesterday. Awesome. The teacher came with this electronic tuning device, and the thing plays like a charm now. If only I could play decently and give the instrument some justice. I think I will treat my friends to a performance before I go… gotta get practicing. Of course, Ozzie chewed up my roll of tape (which secures the picks on my fingers) this morning. I think the tape is still salvageable; it’s just a tad wet and slimy. Eww!

Ugh. So many things to do before I leave. Just a month left, can you believe it? On my list: food safari (anyone up for BJ duck?), trip to Jiuzhaigou or Lijiang, roller skating, bowling, horseback riding, ERA (Chinese-version of Cirque du Soleil), another Mandarin-only play, Game Night/BBQ (I’m a pyro), hair highlights, majiang, as many massages as I can squeeze in… I know, some of the activities I can do in the States– problem is, John’s not so accommodating and in SF, I have like no friends. Well one or two maybe. Eh, I’m allowing myself too many distractions: I’m supposed to be studying for the HSK (next Sunday)! 🙁 Plus, I need to get cracking on moving logistics. Shit. Been procrastinating with making phone calls.

Ah well, manana. Gotta go to the gym tonight.\

I attended my first Mandarin-only play last night… no subtitles and it was awesome! Sooooo good. Based on the Hollywood film starring Adam Sandler (I haven’t seen it), 50 First Dates is about this guy who falls for a woman lacking short-term memory. It’s a bit Groundhog Dayish, but the play was a perfect introduction to Shanghai theater with plenty of modern-day dialog, a small cast, a cozy stage, and lots of hilarious scenes. I was totally surprised by how good the acting was… and the physical comedy too was so entertaining. I almost want to go see it again.

Afterwards, Helen and I went to O’Malley’s to grab some food. I actually hate O’Malley’s, but we were meeting up with her hubby and that was his pick. I suppose the calamari was decent (there just wasn’t very much of it) and the apple pie was unexpectedly good. But the ambience was a nightmare, especially on opening night of the World Cup. World cup, schmirld scup. Who the fuck cares. Floods of annoying drunks. Seriously, I felt like I was at a frat party. Disgusting. It’s too bad the games won’t be during the day; otherwise, I’d have the malls and shops all to myself (like I did during American football games at UF). Shame.

In other news, Ozzie continues to be a bundle of joy. That dog is so playful. My god, I’ve lost count how many times he’ll chase after a bone or ball. At least all that’s required of me is some arm action. The rest is just sitting on my ass. Speaking of laziness, I need to get back to the gym. Argh. It really is a constant battle. I really just do not like the gym. I like the results, but I hate the means.

Man, the mosquitos are out now in full force. Earlier this week while I was out walking the dog, I got nailed on my ears. Yeah, fucking a. So itchy and now my ears are red as hell. And my friends make fun of me setting up shop on the bed under the tent. It’s no games when it comes to these bloodsuckers, man.

Well I’m officially 30 years old now. No longer the spring chicken in my roaring 20’s. Nope. Now, I’m a totally washed out thirty-something. Yippee. Can you feel the enthusiasm?

Today was a shit day, man: Cloudy weather, a light chill. As usual, I didn’t sleep well, so I woke up before 6 am, walked Ozzie, and somehow still managed to get to class late (my first time walking in 15 minutes late!). Then in class I had trouble staying fully alert during the lesson… I looked like total shit. Bags under the eyes and everything. Plus walking the dog in the grass made my sneakers soggy. Gross. I should have known the day was jinxed.

Ah well, I suppose my friends Susie and Pamela helped me make the best of the day. In the end their efforts succeeded. We had a kickass lunch at the fusion place 239. I’m a huge fan of set lunches. Love the set menu. Then, we spent the afternoon primping it up at the spa. Had a Japanese shiatsu massage at Dragonfly (that place is pretty hit or miss). Nice ambiance, but not sure the skills match those of the blind dudes at Double Rainbow. Regardless, my masseuse worked out some knots in my shoulders (I’ve been camping out on the bed– studying and working on the computer–for far too long) and I actually managed to fall asleep. Even caught myself snoring a couple times. Unfortunately, the massage thing turned out not to be such a bonding experience as all three of us ended up in separate rooms. Who knew Thursday afternoon would be such a busy time? Afterwards, we headed next door for a manicure/pedicure combo. I know, complete indulgence. Since it was my birthday, they even gave me hand painted flowers on my big toes. Too bad a nice pedicure and beautiful, delicate flowers still don’t do the trick: my feet are really rather ugly. Such a lost cause that I won’t even tell how many silly pictures I had to take on the digital camera just to get this single mediocre shot. Oh well. At least the nails are trim, and the colors are nice for summer.

Quite unexpectedly, I’ve come to rather enjoy this living alone arrangement. Not that I don’t adore my Bubbey and pups, but when you live alone, it’s all-you-can-eat me time. I get to do what I want, when I want, with whomever I want. I mean, it’s a little difficult to explain, so please don’t misconstrue: in NO way is Bubbey possessive, controlling, or high maintenance. When he’s here, there are no rules or restrictions but still, I find myself wanting to go home earlier rather than later. I want to go home to spend time with my honey and with the dogs. So while that is certainly my choosing, I think subconsciously maybe there is still a bit of expectation… which is fine. That comes with the territory of being in any relationship. But what I’m saying is, when I’m here on my own, there’s just an added freedom. I wouldn’t necessarily trade one for the other; it’s just that I appreciate the advantages of both sides. For example, if I’m hungry but feeling lazy, I’ll just make popcorn or eat cereal or get Lawson’s sushi rolls. That super simple kind of fare rarely passes for John. He can eat cereal for dinner once or twice, but like three days in a row? Forget it. He needs a real meal after that, something substantial. To me, that decision alone is so much trouble: you gotta think of a place to eat, figure out how to get there, then make selections from the menu… it’s so many steps and stages, you know? And it takes time, whereas with the cereal or sushi rolls, you’re hungry then you’re fed. Problem solved in a matter of minutes. So anyway, this living single can be kinda fun. Not all the time, of course. But sometimes, yes, it’s rather enjoyable.

Lately, I’ve also thought a bit about life after Remy and Martin. A totally depressing subject, but one we’ll have to face eventually. So the big issue is, will we get another dog? Recently, I’ve been thinking no… just because if we want to travel the world… blah, blah. And well frankly, it didn’t help when John put me on speakerphone the other day and Martin didn’t respond AT ALL to my voice. Even Remy gave a disappointing showing, but I guess at least she wagged her tail. Yeah, totally bummin’, those two. I mean, that’s all the excitement their long lost mother gets after a month of separation? How’s that for loyalty.

So that’s fine, man. I’ve moved on… without skipping a beat, I might add. In fact, I’m shacking up with Ozzie now. What a dreamboat… only 7 months old but incredibly well behaved. Potty trained, no separation anxiety, no chewing. And he’s so spunky. Loves to play fetch– and actually brings the toy back to you (Rem and Marty, you two listening??) So cute! John says he’s having heart to hearts with Remy and Martin: he’s telling them mommy’s betraying them, cheating on them. Whatever, I’m sure they could care less. Hey man, if you can’t show me the love when I call, screw it! There are bigger fish to fry!

Another good thing about Ozzie is that he’s reminded me of how much I really do love dogs. I know, I guess creating a doggie website kinda counts for being a bit cuckoo about canines, but honestly, I was really on the path to convincing myself not to have dogs after R&M! I know, how could I even have thought that???!! But now I realize that Ozzie makes me so happy. I just love dogs too much to live without them. Sure, they can be major sandbags sometimes, but they’re just so cute and when they’re good, they really are angels on earth. I can’t help but be sucked in.

Ok, so not really. But I’m so psyched, because today I bought five paintings from Yu Yuan. Considering that silly prints in the States cost $50 easy, these were a super steal. And I absolutely LOVE them. The sales lady wrapped everything up in bubble film so I could take it home in one bundled package, but I couldn’t resist taking them out and hanging them in my living room. I know, I’m only here for a month, and they don’t exactly all go together, much less go with the room but I don’t care. They’re beautiful. See for yourself!

I don’t know how John and I will have enough room in the California apartment for them. 🙁 Oh well, we’ll find a way. The sales rep said she noticed a theme from my selections: I must really be into kids. Uh, wrong. I like the idea of kids (well-behaved ones of course), but whatever lady: Barren womb forever!!

So I know this appears a bit ridiculous, because I had four small square pictures hanging on the living room wall. I’ve taken those down, but since the walls are concrete, I’m just going to use their existing nails rather than drill new ones. As a result, I have a serious alignment problem. Oh well, just indulge me and admire the art alone. Sigh. If only I were that artistic and talented…

I told you the pups were livin’ it up in Cali. Here’s Martin in his new pillow. FYI, we have a 1 BR apartment: the dogs have FOUR pillows plus full access to the couch!

Here’s Remy sneakin’ in. They’re playing musical chairs or something!

As much as I tried to fight her off, Frumpy’s back. You see, I started going to the gym regularly back in April. I wasn’t intending to lose weight; I just wanted to stop ingesting so much junk, and I wanted to be able to run for thirty minutes without greeting death at my door. Well it’s two months later now, and I’ve unexpectedly dropped down to my lightest weight since probably college. The good news is that I feel healthier and stronger. I’ve always been on the slim side; now I’m just slim-mer. But no worries, I’ve held at this weight for a couple weeks now and according to my BMI, I’m on the lower end of the “normal” weight range. I don’t intend on slimming down any further– gotta keep what little curves I got 😉

The bad news is my relatively new pants, which I purchased in late February/early March, are now baggy. Poofy in the butt (which has gone from zero to sub-zero) and frumpy in the front. Fuck. And they are beautiful pants too. On Pamela’s advice, I had actually stretched beyond my 100 RMB-per-piece limit and invested. Guess I’ll try taking them to a tailor. I do hope they’re salvageable, as I’m not in the mood to return to square one.

OMG, I am a freaking moron! As you know, I hosted Game Night II at my place last weekend. Well part of the party preparations included cleaning off my grill. As a practically permanent fixture on my patio, the grill was all nasty with dust and grime. So before the party, I gave it a good scrubbing… in my shower (my patio has a drain but no faucet– go figure!). At the time, I thought this was a brilliant idea, since my shower head is one of those handheld apparatuses. There I stood, in the shower, scrubbing to my heart’s content. La dee da, sloughing off clobs of black crap and watching it float into the drain.

Duh! Like a total retard with no common sense (much less an engineering degree), I didn’t even register the possibility of a clog. Well, congratulations. I win the idiot prize. The very next day, I hop in the shower and within two minutes, I’m standing in an inch of gray, oily water. What was I thinking? I ignored the problem for a few days: maybe the stoppage would somehow unclog itself. After I could no longer take pruny, greasy feet, I decided to cram my thick cable bike lock down the drain. Since the piping beneath the bathroom sink shoots straight down (no air trap), I assumed the shower pipe would have the same design. Wrong, there was a frickin’ elbow ten inches down. I kept jamming my cable lock in and out of the pipe. No luck. Next, I tried my wire/cable clothing line. Too flexible. Third up? Acid. I poured straight vinegar down the drain. I know, I could have just gone searching for Drano, but frankly, I didn’t know whether the supermarket would even have that stuff. Plus, vinegar was within reach. Well, that didn’t work either. After suffering from a few more days of shrively feet, I called the maintenance dude today. He ran the water, put my toilet sucker over the drain, gave it a few hard pumps, and bam. Just. Like. That. Unclogged. Je-sus, I am a total dumbass. Why the hell didn’t I think of that? WHY?

In other news, Joon celebrated his 25th birthday yesterday. A group of twelve chowed down at Oriental, an MTV (Myramar, Thai, Vietnamese) place. Pretty tasty. Afterwards, a handful of us went to his place where we talked about treacherous beasts (anacondas, the Loch Ness monster, aliens) and the incredible intelligence of other people (aliens, possibly?), specifically, those responsible for the Great Pyramids, Stonehenge, crop circles, etc. Yeah, so in conclusion, I’m a dumbo…