I used to consider myself a dog person. It was a label I liked, welcomed even. After meeting the founder of an online social networking/dating service (he contacted me through StarPups*Shanghai) a year ago, I realized dogs could be my filter for meeting cool people. Well, I take that back now. Why? Because there are dog people who are insane. They don’t understand that dogs are still just dogs. They pamper and baby and basically anthropomorphize their dogs to death. In other words, they fuck up their animals. And it happens a lot. Just watch Dog Whisperer, and you’ll see what I mean. It’s not the dogs. It’s their owners. Like Caesar says, “I rehabilitate dogs. I train people.” His clients are very obviously messed up, and lucky for me, many of them congregate at the dog park.

So there’s this huge 3-acre fenced-in dog park in San Mateo. The park is relatively new and was built on an old landfill (hurray for land reuse!). Last week, I took the pups there. Remy’s always been a bit uneasy initially at dogparks. Nothing really worrisome, but her hackles go up and sometimes, she flashes some teeth towards other dogs. The dogs establish their placement in the hierarchy and everything is fine in a matter of seconds. So the other day, a lady is there with her just-groomed (read: prissy) Bouvier. Remy does her thing, but he continues to show interest and prance around her. Obviously, he doesn’t feel threatened if he’s still wagging his tail, bopping around. Remy flashes some teeth then barks twice. I say “No” firmly, because I realize this isn’t optimal behavior. Of course, zippo aggression is ideal. Well, the owner throws her hands up and is like “What’s the problem?” Seconds later, Remy turns towards the Bouvier and gets down on her front paws, in play position. The lady, worried already, calls Bo to come. He ignores her and continues bouncing around Remy. I tell her they’re just playing. Do you know how she responds? “Well, I don’t want them playing if they’re not going to play properly.” What the fuck? Play properly? Are you serious? They’re goddamn dogs. What do you want them to do, shake hands first? Ask permission beforehand? And who the hell are you, the dog playground police? I mean, if you really have issue with who your dog interacts with, get control of your animal. Teach him to actually respond to his moronic, lame-o name! Fucking bitch. I was so angered by her snotty, log-up-the-ass reply. And yet, in true passive aggressive fashion, I said nothing. I just held Remy until Bo ran off. Later, Martin started playing in a group that included Bo. Remy joined in and started nipping Martin on his back. She harasses him like this all the time. This is normal behavior between the two. I don’t think freaky lady knew R&M were together, and she had his horrified look on her face like Remy was brutalizing Martin. Jesus Christ. Then, she tried to get Bo away from the group again, because attack dog Remy was involved. I mean, fine. You don’t have to like my Remy. But then don’t be an asshole either. Stop putzing around the exit gate: clear out so people can go to the damn water fountain area. She took her damn time exiting, and then she started chit chatting with some dude, who had just arrived with his dog. Then, get this: she covered her mouth and whispered to him as they both looked at Remy. Gee, I wonder what she told him. Yes, you’re right. Remy is a bloody fighting dog. She’s gonna kill your poofy, sheltered dog (who also happens to be double Remy’s size). You’d better warn the other park goers. Their dogs are in danger too.

This is exactly what I’m talking about: overprotective, psycho dog people. They’re like the people who refuse to clip the nails because the dog yelps and cries. Or they won’t spay/neuter, because the animal endures some post-op discomfort and pain. I mean, what about human pain? I cut my finger on cardboard, so should I never open a package again? These are not my kind of dog people. But they are fucking everywhere. And they only feed my misanthropic tendencies.