My dear friend Sue give birth to a baby boy last month. Little Mason. She’s so the motherly type– nurturing, giving, tolerant, selfless. She said happily, “My labor only took 9 hours.” Jesus, ONLY 9 hours? That’s longer than an ordinary work day, I thought. She admits it was the greatest pain she had ever experienced but already, she thinks they’ll have another. Seriously, I just cannot relate. The woman had an episiotomy for crissakes! You know what that word means? Despite being the daughter of an OB/GYN, I had no clue but by golly, the answer ain’t pretty. You know that hypersensitive skin between the front and back orifices (let’s just call them that)? OMG, the doctor cuts it so the baby doesn’t rip it open on the way out. Oh my frickin’ goodness! She said they applied local anesthetics, but she still felt them cutting so they gave her a second injection. Ugh! Cut up and then stitched up. Not cool, man.

So all while she’s telling me about the experience, I’m spasing out like a true drama queen. Parenthood is just too unfathomable; frankly, I think she’s crazy to opt for pregnancy and parenthood a first time! And then to go through it all twice? Thinking that I was freaking out only about the labor pains, Sue reasoned, “The delivery is only ONE day out of your entire life. One day of pain.” See what I mean by selfless? She’s right in a way, but at the same time, come on, don’t underestimate the immense emotional pain a child can inflict. Speaking from personal experience, I was a complete pain in the ass for my parents. I’m not joking when I say they decided to halt their procreation program after having me. I might have been a goody goody student, but damn, adolescence and adulthood were and remain chock full of conflict, confrontation, and hard-core drama. Yes, screaming, yelling, cussing, door slamming, the works! I’m not proud, but hey, even as my father warned John years ago, I have a temper on me.

I’m just not cut out for parenting. Dogs are a wonderful alternative. You can care for them, teach them, train them, and if you’re lucky, they are well-behaved emotionally-simpler creatures. If you get screwed with a messed-up, incorrigible pup, hey, it’s only 10-12 years max. See what I’m saying? Parenthood is an irreversible, life-long thing. And it’s risky as hell.